EDMONTON — Citing a record increase in backcountry bear sightings, Alberta Education unveiled a new mandatory curriculum module this week that will teach students how to survive a grizzly encounter, funded entirely by the removal of music, library services, and the second half of the science textbook.

"We listened to parents, and what parents told us is that their children are statistically more likely to meet a bear than a counsellor," said a ministry spokesperson, gesturing at a laminated poster reading WAS THAT A BEAR OR YOUR CLASS SIZE. "So we've reallocated resources toward the outcome they're actually facing."

Under the new framework, Grade 4 students will learn to distinguish a black bear from a grizzly, deploy bear spray, and internalize what the document repeatedly calls "the personal responsibility of the individual hiker." Critics noted the phrase appears forty-one times, more often than the words "reading" or "funding."

"We feel the lesson that the wilderness does not owe you a rescue is one our students will carry into every other interaction with this government," the spokesperson added. "Healthcare, housing, the grid in January — it's all bear country, really."

The province confirmed that field trips will continue, though they have been streamlined into a single activity titled "Outside," in which students are released into Kananaskis at 9 a.m. and counted again at 3 p.m. Teachers raising concerns about supervision ratios were reminded that a 1:34 ratio is "the same odds a bear faces, and they manage."

Asked whether teaching children to flee large indifferent predators might serve as an unflattering metaphor, the Education Minister paused. "A bear," he said carefully, "cannot be voted out. Let's leave it there."