The Vault Full Archive

24 articles

Date	Category	Headline
2026-05-23	Policing	RAMP Clarifies That Agency Name Does Coincidentally Refer to the Tool Officers Use to Board Their Duty Vehicles Spokesperson confirms the portable step-stool has been 'load-tested to 350 lbs' and is included in standard kit.
2026-05-23	Sovereignty	Stats Canada Study Finds Alberta Government Responses to Separation Survey Statistically Indistinguishable From Those of Blind Monkeys Researchers note the finding is not an insult to the monkeys, who completed the forms faster and with greater internal consistency.
2026-05-23	Premier	Premier Krystal Smith Signs Bill Banning Androgynous Names From Alberta Public Service, Citing Need to 'Unmuddy the Waters Between the Two Genders' The Premier, who legally changed her name from Danielle last Thursday, says the legislation is about clarity, and definitely not about a separatist petition that misspelled her name 14,000 times.
2026-05-20	Opinion	Letter to the Firewall: 'I Voted UCP and Now My Hospital Is a Series of Tents. Disappointed But Not Surprised.' An Edmonton-area reader writes in to share their experience navigating Alberta's restructured healthcare system, including a seven-hour wait to be triaged in what was technically the parking lot.
2026-05-10	Culture	Calgary Stampede 2026 Theme Announced: 'Doing Just Fine, Actually, Please Stop Asking' Stampede board insists the slogan reflects 'a confidence in the brand' and is unrelated to a recent decline in non-Albertan ticket sales.
2026-05-01	Healthcare	Province Removes Fluoride From Water, Then Cancels Provincial Dental Plan, Then Acts Surprised Health Minister insists the timing was 'pure coincidence' and that any link between the two policies is 'a media construct.'
2026-04-22	Federal	Editorial: Alberta to Send Federal Government Strongly Worded Letter Via Carrier Pigeon 'Because That's How Far Back We're Going' Premier announces plan to reject 'all forms of modern federal communication,' then declined to say how she had received the most recent federal letter.
2026-04-15	Sovereignty	New Alberta Provincial Police Force to Have All the Powers of the RCMP, But Answer Only to the Premier, Which Is Totally Different Justice Minister insists the new agency represents a 'natural evolution' of policing, then declined to identify which direction the evolution had gone.
2026-04-08	Environment	Province Reopens Coal Mining in Eastern Slopes; Smith Promises 'All Coal, No Mines' Approach Premier insists the new framework will deliver economic benefit without environmental cost, a balance she described as 'fundamentally a vibe.'
2026-04-01	Healthcare	Alberta Precision Labs Hands Off to Primary Care Alberta on April 1, Which Several Albertans Took as a Joke Province confirms the transition is real and the date is not a coincidence, then declines to elaborate on the second part.
2026-03-27	Economy	Healthcare Administration Costs Now Exceed Some Actual Healthcare; Smith Says This Is 'The Restructuring Working' Government documents show administrative spending climbing from $544M to $604M over three years, even as front-line outcomes deteriorate.
2026-03-20	Healthcare	Surgery Wait-Time Compliance Falls to 58.2%; Health Minister Says This Means 58.2% More People Get to Stay Home Alberta Health Services compliance with surgical benchmarks reaches lowest measured level in modern memory; LaGrange describes the figure as 'a glass half full of unscheduled rest.'
2026-03-13	Energy	Province Unveils New Carbon Credit System Where Credits Are Awarded for Thinking Hard About Carbon Energy Minister calls the framework 'net-zero-adjacent,' explains that thinking about carbon counts as offsetting it, provided the thinking is sincere.
2026-03-06	Federal	Smith and Carney Sign 'One Project, One Review' Deal, Which Apparently Means the Review Doesn't Have to Happen Prime Minister and Premier announce streamlined environmental assessment process; neither answered a question about who actually does the streamlined assessment.
2026-02-28	Sovereignty	Treaty Chiefs Pass Unanimous Non-Confidence in UCP; Government Calls This a 'Strong Mandate to Continue' First-ever joint non-confidence vote from the Assembly of Treaty Chiefs of Treaties 6, 7, and 8 is received warmly by a government that appears to have not finished reading the document.
2026-02-26	Economy	Budget Projects $9.4 Billion Deficit, Government Insists This Is Just 'The Cost of Doing Whatever' Finance Minister Horner unveils largest provincial deficit since the COVID-19 pandemic, framing it as 'fiscal honesty about no longer pretending to be careful with money.'
2026-02-19	Education	New K-12 Civics Curriculum Replaces Chapter on Confederation With QR Code Linking to a YouTube Video Education Minister assures parents the 11-minute video, narrated by a man in a cowboy hat, covers 'all the important parts' of Canada's founding.
2026-02-12	Energy	Alberta Invokes Sovereignty Act for Third Time, This Time Over Federal Suggestion That Carbon Has a Color Province says the colour, if accepted, would 'fundamentally undermine' Alberta's right to pretend the molecule does not exist.
2026-02-05	Premier	Schulz Resigns as Environment Minister, Replaced by Man Who Believes Environment Is 'Mostly Just Weather' Grant Hunter, the incoming minister, has previously argued that climate change can be 'opted out of' by individual provinces.
2026-02-02	Sovereignty	Premier Smith Unveils Royal Alberta Military Police, Concedes Word 'Military' Was Chosen 'For Resonance, Not Implication' The province's new RCMP replacement will be fully operational in 18 months, Smith said, declining to clarify what 'fully,' 'operational,' or '18 months' meant individually.
2026-01-30	Premier	Smith Returns From Vacation, Addresses Separatism by Suggesting Everyone Calm Down While She Continues to Stoke It Premier insists Alberta is not leaving Canada, except possibly, and only on terms that have not yet been articulated.
2026-01-22	Sovereignty	Editorial: We Asked Five Albertans What 'Sovereignty Within a United Canada' Means and One Cried An unscientific man-on-the-street survey reveals widespread confusion about a phrase the Premier uses approximately 40 times a week.
2026-01-15	Premier	Smith Rules Out Spring Election, Citing 'Mandate to Continue Doing Whatever This Is' Premier confirms next provincial vote will happen in 2027 as legally required, framing the absence of a snap election as a 'gift' to Albertans.
2026-01-08	Premier	Smith Insists Her Panama Vacation Is Actually a Trade Mission to a Country She'll Be Moving To Eventually Premier rejects 'vacation' framing while declining to address questions about why she would not be returning to her own jurisdiction until Jan. 19.