CALGARY — After a weekend that left two people dead and another in critical condition on Calgary roads, the Government of Alberta moved swiftly to reassure residents that the trauma response is being routed to the appropriate one of the province's recently quadrupled health agencies, pending a jurisdictional review expected to conclude well after everyone involved has either recovered or hasn't.

"Albertans can rest assured that emergency care remains a top priority of one of our four exciting new organizations," said a Health Ministry spokesperson, declining to specify which. "Acute Care Alberta handles the hospital, Recovery Alberta handles what comes after, Primary Care Alberta handles the part where you try to get a family doctor, and the fourth one is largely a logo. We are confident the patient will reach the correct silo eventually."

The province noted that emergency room wait times have, by several internal metrics, never looked better. "We've found that when you split one health system into four, the wait times technically improve for at least three of them," the spokesperson said, "because nobody is sure which one to wait in."

Asked whether the government might address the conditions on the roads themselves — speed enforcement, intersection design, or the trauma surgeons increasingly described as a renewable resource — officials clarified that road safety falls under a different ministry, and that ministry was unfortunately attending a ribbon-cutting for a privately operated surgical facility that does not perform emergency trauma surgery.

Premier Danielle Smith, speaking briefly, framed the weekend as further evidence that Albertans value freedom, including the freedom to be treated by an org chart. "The federal government would have you believe a 'connected health system' is something to want," she said. "We believe Albertans are smart enough to find their own way through a flowchart while bleeding."

At press time, the injured were reported to be in stable condition, the agencies were reported to be in talks about which one would claim credit, and the roads were reported to be exactly as they were on Friday.