Category Healthcare
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Healthcare
Province Reassures Calgarians That Weekend's Road Trauma Will Be Handled By Whichever Of The Four New Health Agencies Is Responsible For That Now
Following a deadly weekend on city roads, the Health Minister confirmed that determining who treats the injured is being treated with the same urgency as a quarterly branding refresh.
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Healthcare
Alberta Signs One (1) Family Doctor to Five-Year, $4-Million Deal, Calls It a 'Solid Pickup for the Healthcare Locker Room'
Premier hails the rare-but-reasonable cap hit as the province enters a rebuild year for the eleventh consecutive season.
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Economy
Province Unveils Bold Economic Strategy Centred On Repeatedly Replacing Everyone's Roof
Officials say Calgary's annual billion-dollar hail season is technically a form of GDP growth, if you don't think about it.
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Economy
Province Declares Stampede Tent Noise a Vital Economic Indicator, Warns Decibel Reduction Could Trigger Recession
Economists at the Treasury Board confirmed Saturday that Alberta's GDP is now measured primarily in bass.
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Healthcare
Province Assures Cyclists That Alberta's Healthcare System Stands Ready To Treat Injuries It Has No Intention Of Preventing
Officials clarified that while building protected bike lanes remains fiscally impossible, the emergency room admitting cyclists afterward represents a robust public investment.
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Economy
Police Dog Receives Emergency Surgery Within Hours, Raising Questions About How It Qualified For Faster Care Than Most Albertans
The German Shepherd was assessed, operated on, and into recovery before a single human in the waiting room had their name called.
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Healthcare
Health Minister Hails Stampeders' 1,409 Rushing Yards as 'New Provincial Benchmark for Distance to Nearest Open ER'
Officials say if Dedrick Mills can cover that ground without a family doctor, so can rural Albertans.
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Economy
Alberta Finds Room In Budget For Everything Except The Languages It Spent A Century Trying To Erase
Provincial treasury confirms Indigenous language revitalization remains 'fiscally unfeasible,' unlike the $7-million logo refresh approved the same afternoon.
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Economy
Alberta Separatists Seek Stay On Court Ruling, Citing Strong Economic Case For Ignoring The Parts They Lost
Stay Free Alberta argues a referendum on leaving Canada cannot be delayed by the inconvenient discovery that it was issued improperly.
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Healthcare
NHL Spent More Time Vetting One Oilers Coach Than Alberta Did Dismantling Its Entire Health System, Province Confirms
Officials note that an independent review cleared Mike Babcock to stand behind one bench, whereas splitting Alberta Health Services into four agencies required no such step.
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Healthcare
Alberta Touts ‘Untapped Potential’ of Healthcare System That Has Never Once Been Tapped
Premier pitches province as reliable global exporter of nurses, physicians, and anyone else capable of reading an exit sign.
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Economy
Alberta Celebrates Long-Awaited Economic Diversification After $150K Lululemon Operation Discovered in Calgary Home
Province hails northeast residence as proof the athleisure sector can thrive without a single subsidy or pipeline.
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Economy
Alberta Touts Surprise Peace River Tornado As Province's Boldest Job Creator Yet
Minister credits the unannounced funnel cloud with single-handedly generating thousands of roofing, fencing, and grain-bin reconstruction contracts overnight.
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Healthcare
Alberta Embraces Pirate Theme For Healthcare System, Citing 'Strong Crossover With Existing Model'
Officials say the skull-and-crossbones rebrand reflects a system already defined by plunder, missing crews, and a captain who answers to no one.
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Economy
Alberta To Announce Whether It Will Announce Decision On Gas Tax Sometime This Week, Possibly
Premier promises relief at the pumps is 'on the table,' alongside the table, and at no point actually being lifted off the table.
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Economy
Carbon Market Declared Broken By Everyone Who Has Ever Tried To Sell Carbon Into It
Prime Minister confirms the system is non-functional at the exact ribbon-cutting for a deal that depends on it functioning.
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Healthcare
Calgary Man Charged For Breaching One Agreement; Province Quietly Reassured Its Record Of Breaking Healthcare Promises Remains Unregulated
The Alberta Securities Commission confirmed it has jurisdiction over a single accused fraudster but, regrettably, none whatsoever over the Ministry of Health.
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Economy
Alberta Accepts $25 Million In Federal Arts Funding On Condition It Be Called 'Economic Diversification'
Provincial officials clarified the money represents homegrown Alberta prosperity, the moment it cleared the bank.
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Economy
Alberta Touts 'Unbelievable Grass' at Spruce Meadows as Proof of Successful Economic Diversification
Following a visiting rider's praise for the footing in the International Ring, the province announced that horticulture is now a pillar of its post-oil strategy.
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Healthcare
AHS Convenes Emergency Panel To Study Rare Condition In Which An Alberta Separatist And A Federalist Agreed On Something
Jeffrey Rath and Thomas Lukaszuk independently reached the same conclusion this week, an event physicians say has not been reliably documented in the province since the early 2000s.
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Economy
Alberta's Opposition Sector Posts Four Job Vacancies, Citing Need to Diversify Away From Accountability
Economists note the legislature has now successfully reduced its exposure to the volatile question-asking industry by four full-time positions.
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Economy
Premier Defends Disability Overhaul, Citing the One Stakeholder Who Was Consulted: The Budget
Smith assured Albertans that the new ADAP system will deliver the same support as AISH, only with more letters in the acronym and fewer dollars in the envelope.
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Healthcare
Shooting Victim Relieved To Learn The Hard Part Is Over Until He Reaches The Emergency Room
Calgary man in stable condition praised paramedics for getting him to a hospital that the province is in the process of dividing into four separate hospitals.
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Economy
Province Reassures Rural Women That a Five-Per-Cent Funding Cut Is Statistically Unlikely to Affect Them Personally
Ministry of Children and Family Services confirms the new Emergency Family Violence Services model will distribute the same fear more efficiently across a wider area.
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Economy
Province Announces Bold Plan To Move All Overdose Spending Off The Books And Into Emergency Rooms
Minister praises the fiscal efficiency of relocating costs from a $3-million-a-year facility to a $1,200-an-hour ICU bed.
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Healthcare
Province Approves All-Season Resort for Fortress Mountain, Citing Urgent Need for Albertans to Recover Somewhere After Surgery Wait
Tourism and Sport's all-season resorts branch processed the master development plan in roughly the time it takes to not get a family doctor.
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Education
Edmonton Public Schools Cancels World, Cites Abundance of Caution
Division confirms the only safe destination for students is the gymnasium, and even that is under review.
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Education
Alberta To Add Unit On 'Independent Oversight' To Curriculum, Co-Developed By Agency It Is Currently Investigating
Grade 9 students will learn how police accountability works in theory, with the practical component indefinitely under review.
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Education
Edmonton Teacher Sheltering From Missiles in Kuwait Airport Reports Basement Better Funded Than Her School
Loveridge noted the airport's emergency lighting, ventilation, and adult-to-occupant ratio all comfortably exceeded provincial classroom standards.
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Healthcare
Beyond The Hype: Why 400 People Packed A Room To Talk Canada–China Energy While 4,000 Packed An ER To Talk To Literally Anyone
Province hails record emergency-room turnout as proof of 'overwhelming public engagement' with the healthcare file.