CALGARY — In a swift and coordinated response to municipal noise regulations governing Stampede-week tents, a bipartisan coalition of federal and provincial politicians has reframed the dispute as an existential threat to the Alberta economy, arguing that the unregulated volume of beer-tent cover bands constitutes critical economic infrastructure.

"Let me be very clear," said Premier Danielle Smith, who was not asked. "When Ottawa tells a job creator he cannot run a subwoofer at full capacity until 2 a.m., that is a direct attack on the Alberta Advantage. Every decibel we lose to a noise bylaw is a decibel of prosperity that flees to Saskatchewan."

Mayor Jeromy Farkas, who has spent the week explaining that the bylaws were in fact written and passed by people other than himself, attempted to clarify that the regulations affect approximately one tent. The clarification was immediately drowned out, fittingly, by a wall of amplified support from Pierre Poilievre, Michelle Rempel Garner, and several former Conservative leaders who had located a microphone.

Sources at the Treasury Board confirmed that Alberta's quarterly economic output is now calculated using a proprietary formula in which one unit of GDP equals one sustained airhorn. Under the new model, any reduction in ambient tent noise registers as a contraction. "We ran the numbers," said one official. "If the tent gets quieter, technically thousands of imaginary jobs cease to exist."

Local resident and homeowner Brenda Acheson, who lives forty metres from the tent and would like to sleep, was reportedly identified by three separate politicians as "the real threat to Canadian energy." Acheson has not responded to requests for comment, as she cannot hear them.

At press time, the province had announced a $4-billion Noise Sovereignty Fund, a Decibel Defence Tribunal, and a constitutional challenge, while quietly declining to fund the bylaw enforcement officer whose entire annual salary is less than the cost of the press conference announcing the fund.