Following yet another fatal collision involving a cyclist on a Calgary street designed primarily for vehicles to travel quickly through it, the Government of Alberta moved swiftly to reassure residents that the province remains fully committed to treating the consequences of decisions it refuses to revisit.

"Albertans can rest assured that should they be struck while cycling, our healthcare professionals are standing by," a Ministry spokesperson said, declining to address why prevention had not come up. "We have a world-class trauma response, which is what you build when you've decided the trauma is non-negotiable."

Pressed on whether protected infrastructure might reduce the number of people arriving at emergency departments in the first place, officials described bike lanes as "a radical urban experiment," "a war on the automobile," and "prohibitively expensive," before confirming the province would instead continue funding the considerably cheaper option of issuing condolences.

Public health researchers have repeatedly noted that the single most effective treatment for a cyclist-vehicle collision is the collision not occurring, a finding the government has reviewed and respectfully filed alongside the others. Internally, sources say, road safety is classified not as an engineering matter but as a personal lifestyle choice, ideally made by the deceased.

The Ministry added that any Albertan concerned about cycling safety is welcome to simply not cycle, a suggestion it characterized as "empowering" and "budget-neutral." It also reminded residents that the same hospitals now absorbing these costs are themselves operating well past capacity, a coincidence the province insists is unrelated to anything it could do upstream.

At press time, officials were celebrating the healthcare system's resilience in handling a problem they had personally guaranteed would keep recurring, calling it proof that the Alberta Advantage means never having to prevent what you can heroically respond to.