EDMONTON — Alberta's health ministry unveiled a bold new patient-mobility framework this week, citing Calgary Stampeders running back Dedrick Mills and his league-leading 1,409 rushing yards as proof that long-distance travel to care is not only possible, but, in the right hands, award-winning.

"Dedrick chased a CFL rushing crown by gaining over fourteen hundred yards last season," a ministry spokesperson said, gesturing at a whiteboard where the words 'ER' and 'optional' had been circled. "That's roughly the distance the average patient in our restructured rural network now travels between the parking lot and a clinician who is currently accepting patients. We see synergy."

Under the new model, wait times will be reported in yards rather than hours, a change officials describe as "more inspiring." A spokesperson confirmed that a patient who reaches a triage nurse before being tackled by the booking system will be credited with a first down.

"We're not closing emergency rooms," the minister clarified at a press conference held, for reasons no one explained, at a tailgate. "We're simply asking patients to lower their shoulder and find a hole." When pressed on whether ambulances would be redeployed as offensive linemen, she said the consultation was ongoing.

The Stampeders organization, reached for comment, said it was unaware its star tailback had been entered into provincial health policy and asked that Mills be left out of it. The ministry responded that Mills had already been named an honorary Regional Health Authority and would be receiving a lanyard.

Mills, for his part, is reportedly still chasing another rushing crown — a goal the ministry now lists in its strategic plan under Key Performance Indicators, directly above "recruit four (4) doctors" and directly below "thoughts and prayers."