EDMONTON — A suspect with what investigators describe as a "long and well-documented history" of setting Alberta's health system ablaze has once again been found loitering near the still-warm remains of a restructuring, despite repeated assurances that the individual had been kept far from any flammable institutions.

According to a parole-board-style review, the figure was located standing over the ashes of Alberta Health Services well past curfew, holding a freshly drafted reorganization chart. When asked to explain their presence, the suspect reportedly shrugged and said they "just liked the area" — the same explanation offered after the 2024 fire, the 2019 fire, and the one nobody can prove but everyone remembers smelling.

"He has set fire to this exact building four times," the review board noted, "but each occasion was technically a different agency, so it doesn't count as a pattern." The system has since been split into Primary Care, Acute Care, Continuing Care, and Mental Health and Addiction — four smaller structures, officials explained, so that future fires can be contained to one wing while the others merely fill with smoke.

Despite the documented record, a release board voted overwhelmingly to return the individual to the community in the form of a cabinet, citing good behaviour, a strong commitment to "efficiencies," and the fact that no one else applied. A spokesperson confirmed there were no conditions attached to the release beyond a vague promise to stay 200 metres from any functioning emergency room, a distance the suspect has reportedly had no difficulty maintaining.

Frontline nurses, who continue to work inside the building regardless of its current ignition status, said they had grown accustomed to the routine. "They rebuild it, someone lights it, a press release calls the fire a transformation, and then we're told the wait times are part of the rebuild," said one ER nurse, hosing down a triage hallway. "At this point we just keep the patients away from the windows."

At press time, the government had announced a bold new plan to prevent further fires by removing the last remaining smoke detectors, which it described as "a costly layer of bureaucracy" standing between Albertans and the warmth of reform.