EDMONTON — Following a Calgary jury's guilty verdict in a random roadside shooting this week, the Government of Alberta moved swiftly to reassure citizens that whatever caused it, the solution was definitely not adequately funding public education.

"Albertans are understandably asking what leads to senseless violence in our communities," said a spokesperson for the Ministry of Education, speaking from a school division that has eliminated 40 educational assistant positions since September. "And we want to be very clear that the answer is personal responsibility, full stop. It is certainly not classroom sizes, mental health supports, or any of the things our budget happens to be cutting."

The province, which currently spends among the least per student of any jurisdiction in the country, emphasized that any correlation between underfunded schools and poor long-term outcomes was speculative at best. "We've looked very closely at the research linking schools to functioning adults, and we've decided to wait for a second opinion," the spokesperson added. "Possibly a third."

Pressed on whether the government saw any role for education in reducing the conditions that produce violence, officials pivoted to announcing a new mandatory curriculum module on resilience, to be delivered by the same teachers it has declined to hire enough of. The module will reportedly be self-directed, on the grounds that supervising it would require staff.

"What we will not do is throw money at the problem," said the Premier's office, in a statement that has now been issued, verbatim, in response to healthcare wait times, the opioid crisis, crumbling rural infrastructure, and a wildfire. "We refuse to be the kind of province that solves things by paying for them."

At press time, the government had announced a blue-ribbon panel to study the root causes of social breakdown, with a mandate to report back in four years and a budget of zero dollars, which officials described as fiscally responsible and extremely on-brand.