EDMONTON — Following a poll showing the Alberta independence movement trailing badly while Premier Danielle Smith's UCP opened a nine-point lead over Naheed Nenshi's NDP, the province has quietly announced a new remedial civics module to be delivered exclusively to self-identified separatists, who officials say have demonstrated 'a persistent gap in foundational numeracy.'

The optional unit, titled Reading A Poll For Comprehension, will walk participants through advanced concepts such as 'what a percentage is,' 'why being loud is not the same as being numerous,' and 'how to look at a chart where your side is the small bar.' Instructors will use manipulatives, including a single block representing the separatist vote and a much larger pile of blocks representing everyone who would like to keep using their passport.

'We're meeting these learners where they are,' said a Ministry of Education spokesperson, gesturing at a number that was, by every available measure, where they are. 'Many of them genuinely believed the silent majority was on their side. We had to gently introduce the idea that the silent majority is silent because it is doing something else, like working, or not thinking about this at all.'

The curriculum reportedly includes a delicate section on the premier herself, who has spent two years carefully encouraging the sovereignty sentiment while ensuring it never grows large enough to require her to act on it. Students will be assessed on their ability to read a poll, look at the number, and not immediately announce that the poll is rigged by Ottawa, the Laurentian elite, or the pollster's nephew.

Early field tests have not gone smoothly. According to internal notes, one focus group spent ninety minutes arguing that the nine-point UCP lead was actually a hidden ninety-point separatist lead 'if you account for the people who were afraid to answer honestly.' A facilitator who attempted to introduce the concept of a margin of error was accused of being a federal asset and asked to leave.

The province insists the program is non-partisan and purely educational. Asked whether a similar module might be offered to UCP members who believe a nine-point lead constitutes a permanent mandate to do whatever they want, the spokesperson said that course was already full.